The Heffalump in the Room

January 4, 2008 was the worst day of my life. Mike and I had been having problems for a while. His choice to have weight loss surgery in 2004 which at the time was not very common (he couldn’t even get the surgery here in Utah and had to travel to Arizona for the procedure) was controversial. But he was very stubborn and when he had his mind focused on something, he wasn’t going to change it. I have always said that the kiss I gave him before they wheeled him back for surgery was the last time that I kissed the husband that I married. The man that I saw after was forever changed… physically, emotionally… he just was never the same.

It wasn’t until later that I learned of the extent of Mike’s inner turmoil. He didn’t reveal it much to me but over the 10 years in our marriage I did know that he had a propensity for addiction – first it was addiction to coffee, later it was a smoking habit that he had kept hidden for years. After the surgery, he couldn’t rely on food for comfort like he had before. He hated being heavy which is why he drank coffee so heavily. A natural diuretic, coffee was his main source of nourishment that helped him shed those teenage pounds that had often been the source of his shame and the bullying he would endure. When I met him in 1995, he was merely a shadow of his former self which he spoke of with disdain. We married in 1997. And we were happy. REALLY happy. And we got comfortable. We both gained weight.

When I became pregnant with Michaela, Mike made many life altering decisions that included fixing his bad teeth, quitting coffee and joining the church that I am a member of. I chalked it up to him wanting to better himself as becoming a parent was something he took very seriously and something that we both had wanted for years. 2002 and the year that followed after Michaela’s birth were the happiest we had ever been … or so I thought. Mike grew increasingly upset with his weight and shortly after the new year in 2004 he told me that he was going to have weight loss surgery to rid the weight once and for all. I told him that seemed to be a very drastic decision and that if losing weight was something he really wanted to do, I would do it with him because I needed to do it as well. I suggested we exercise and diet together instead of making such a choice. He told me that he had tried everything (he hadn’t) and that this was the only recourse he had. I supported him but sadly couldn’t do anything as he continued to eat excessively so he could be the weight (300 lbs+) required for surgery eligibility.

I won’t go into my opinions about weight loss surgery. I’ll just say that it’s not for everyone. There is a lot of emotional work one must do to prepare for such a choice to help them for what comes after. And what came after for Mike was the inability to cope with his addiction to food. He had to find comfort somewhere and that led him to prescription medication addiction. What followed were years of watching him drift further and further down a rabbit hole that I couldn’t pull him from. And by the end of 2007, I feared our marriage would end.

My priority was our daughter who at 5 years old was picking up on things not being right with her parents. The day to day spiral of what Mike would we have at any given moment was taking its toll. My mother would take Michaela during the day, I would find escape at work and Mike would sleep off whatever got him through his 3rd shift at work during the days. When I wasn’t at work, I was in my car crying… begging for the pain to end.

And then one night – one of the few he was home and not at work – he walked into Michaela’s room as I putting her to bed. She was kneeling at her bed and saying a prayer. She asked Heavenly Father to help her Dad get better. And that was it. Mike marched into the living room, grabbed the phone book and was looking up addiction centers where he could get some help. It was January 1st, 2008. The next morning we were meeting with a counselor at a local methadone clinic. This was not long after there were some high profile deaths due to methadone (Anna Nicole Smith) and I voiced my concern that I didn’t think methadone was the answer. I said that Mike needed a in-patient treatment center and he needed to detox the hard way. The counselor looked me dead in the eye and coldly responded, “it doesn’t matter what YOU think.” Mike was given his first dose of methadone on January 2nd. The clinic rules were that patients weren’t allowed to dose themselves. They had to return each day at the same time to receive their dose which would be determined by the clinic workers. As far as I know he was never tested prior to his dosing for anything in his system that would be dangerous if mixed with methadone – even though I had told them he had valium. On January 4th, Mike received his 3rd dose. He returned home. Feeling tired, he laid back on the couch, put his feet up on the arm rest and closed his eyes. Michaela and I found his body later that afternoon when we came home from work and a day at Nana’s house.  The nightmare was just beginning.

This is probably the first time I have written this all out… 15 years later and I can remember the bitter cold of that early January day. I can remember touching his cold skin. I can remember falling to my knees in the snow in the front yard as my family, neighbors, the police watched helplessly as I cried out in anguish. I remember my Dad carrying my little girl out of the house, telling her to hide her eyes in his shoulder as they walked by Mike’s body. I can remember it all. What followed is a blur in some ways but clear as day in others. I didn’t want to make funeral plans so I agreed to most anything put before me. I picked out a casket and headstone quickly so I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. Family was coming in from all corners of the country. I had a house I didn’t want to live in anymore let alone go back to. All my personal possessions I didn’t want anymore. The only thing I knew that I wanted was to get out. I needed to leave. I needed to be somewhere that Michaela and I could feel joy and like the weight of the world wasn’t crashing down on us. And that place was Disneyland. It truly was.

I know it sounds peculiar to some people. Disneyland, for many, is the antithesis of peace and relaxation. But for Michaela and I, it became a haven. When we entered the gates of the park, the outside world went a way – at least for a little while. We didn’t have to think of anything beyond those fences. It truly became for us, a magic kingdom. Thanks to Mike’s airline employee benefit, traveling was easier. Our Disneyland Annual Passes were put to good use that first year – with ten separate escapes to Disneyland that year alone. When the airline perks ended we had to get more creative with how we made our way to California but Disneyland has never stopped being our home.