Being Vulnerable

Do you know how many times I have started and stopped writing a blog in the past 17 years? So many times that I have lost count. Each time I go back to posting after a very extended time away I blame it on life, my job, not having anything interesting to say, etc. But the other night when I met Ben Barnes and told him why a song of his meant so much to me, I mentioned that I had written about it 3 years ago on my website. He asked me “oh, what website??” That question left me tongue tied. I couldn’t answer right away because I all of a sudden realized, I don’t know if I want people reading my thoughts! I felt fear! I brushed off his question – dismissed it with a “oh it’s just a personal site.”

I’ve been putting our experiences and sharing our photos on this site for a couple years. I don’t really promote it that much. That I DO blame on time commitments and effort. So getting next to zero traffic is something of a comfort to me. So yesterday, when I completed the Ben Barnes album review that does in fact, talk about some personal things in my life, I posted it briefly on social media and almost immediately deleted it. I couldn’t believe the swarms of negative thoughts that bombarded my mind – You sure you want to share that? You’re a grown woman. Why are you writing about getting red faced and giggling at a concert? Why can’t you just be mature?

Adulthood is a scam. I am probably the biggest dork that I know. If there is one thing I have learned about being a widow, talking about my dead husband makes people uncomfortable. Grief is so weird. Everyone experiences it at some point but why can’t you talk about it? How do you talk about it without it looking like a ploy for attention? I don’t want attention. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to understand my mind and why even after all of these years, I feel the way that I do. So I decided to write about music that makes me reflect, grateful that someone out there can put those emotions into words that I can’t seem to. Writing that review and concert experience was one thing, sharing it with Ben, himself and the rest of the world was another.

I reposted the links on social media again this morning. We’ll see how it goes. Although every nerve in my body is screaming at me to take it down and just keep my thoughts to myself…